The Online Dump

Monday, February 9, 2009

"Die Young and Save Yourself."

I'm trying to study for exams, but I'm so frustrated with the universe that I really, really can't seem to. I don't want to rant to someone because I talk about myself enough, and everyone's busy. Besides, that's why you create a blog write? To let out the occasional frustration.

So, I'm reviewing for my IT exam, and I'm reading about how North America and all those rich countries can afford to have computers, and internet, and how it's all a necessity now and how you can't do anything without having technology impede on your existence. Africa is fucked, because they don't even have clean water and we want to give them internet. Like it's a HOLY GIFT or some shit, and they're barely alive.

And then I get into an argument with a family member over homosexuality. I feel very passionately about homosexuality. I feel like it is a very natural human phenomena. I don't like it when people say that, "IN -INSERT HOLY BOOK HERE- IT SAYS GAYS ARE BAD. SO GAYS ARE BAD." Or, as this family members said, "YOU'LL BURN IN HELL FOR SUPPORTING GAYS. YOU ATHEIST."
Not to mention, this whole discussion started because this show was for 'women' and my male family member was watching it. Hence, he was gay.

It pissed me off incredibly. Society is not always right. In fact, society is hardly ever right. Society is the reason why we have so many fucked up people. Society is the reason why blacks were persecuted for however many years in America, why men and women have to think and act a certain way or else their strange, or, HEAVEN FORBID, gay.

Reading my IT book always bothers me because it's all about how we're being slowly slowly, (or rapidly, depending on how you look at it) being turned into robots. Literally. If the state doesn't agree with our personal beliefs, you can just get fucked.

I'm also pretty pissy with religion. I used to love my religion. I saw it as something beautiful because my mother would always tell me about how God is merciful, and how God loves all his children, and how we should take care of each other because we're all children of God, and how God will make sure everything is okay. I'm content with God, because I grew up with these beliefs. But being older, (and I'll admit, as a result of the Internet) I'm bombarded with all of these rules. "If you do this, you can't do that. If you do this, you can't go to Heaven. Hell is this, Heaven is that."

Between society and religion I don't know what to believe. I want to stand up for myself, and, as we all do, I want appreciation from my peers. I want to give respect and I want to earn respect. I want your trust, I want your companionship. I want everyone to just calm the fuck down and relax. Lay back, take a deep breath, meditate. Whatever is winding you up, isn't worth it. I want to be friends with everyone. But I can't. Religion is telling me that if I don't believe in something, I'm going to Hell. Society is telling me if I don't agree with it, I'm going to be alone. And if the state doesn't agree then I'm going to jail. I'm trying really hard to accept everyone, stand up for my beliefs, and make peace with the fact that our ignorance as society can go get fucked.

It's hard to be HOPEFUL when you're always being told you're wrong. If anyone read this, you'd also say I was WRONG. That God exists! Or better yet, that I AM an Atheist, because I don't know what to accept. Counter-culture (rapidly becoming the culture) is to disagree with everything, because no matter what you are always right. Society is telling you that this is cool at the moment and you should follow it because we said so. Religion is telling me I'll rot for thinking that belief in God, praying, and being a generally good person is what I need to go to Heaven.

So here I am, sitting up in my room, completely alone, and I'm suffocating because I don't think I'm thin enough to fit in with society, I don't agree with everything people say God is, and God's word is and so I'm not religious enough to go to Heaven. I don't always know what to say, so people are probably laughing at me. I'm not smart enough to be academic enough. I feel like there are thousands and thousands of voices on different sides all screaming something different, and I don't have a voice to drown any of it out.

I'm trying hard, I really am. Religion is trivial now. It's all what people interpret it to be. I want to interpret it on my own. I think that both Atheism and suicide are a loss of hope. I think that we can genuinely be a better society. We can stop limiting ourselves from what we really want out of life. If you died tomorrow, would you really be happy? Are you really happy now? Or are we just compensating, compensating, compensating, just trying to live a little, in the midst of all the payment we're paying (for what?). All that living in between paying our karmic debt is lost because that living is going to get us in trouble with someone who doesn't approve.

Maybe I'm pontificating. But I want to think what I want to think. This is my blog, you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to read what I had to say. And I want to say it. This is more for me then it is for you. There are times in the day all I want to do is shut the door, pull the blankets over my head and stay there.

I tried to picture my version of Hell. What could someone come up with for me that would be perfect? Stephen King wrote a short story about his idea of Hell. That it was a day repeated over and over and over, or our worst nightmare repeated over and over and over. Or that we burn, that we get metal poured into our bodies, or that we just die and that's it.

I was brokenhearted to realize that my idea of Hell, the first thing I thought of, was not having my stuff. Because I'm comfortable, I'm content. Granted, I moved to a place where I thought I would be completely uncomfortable, a place that presented a challenge, academically, socially -- that was a complete culture-shock in every way, and it turns out that I am comfortable. Instead of being proud of overcoming this challenge, I'm upset. Because now everything is soft, and there are no sharp edges, there is nothing to make me want to live. I'm alive, but I'm not living. I don't want to live tomorrow, I want to live today. But I'm limited by parents, by society, by school, by everything. I'll be oppressed by all of you someday. By society. By work. There's no time to really live, and there's no time to pull the blankets over my head and hide. And that's so sad because it's giving up hope in everything. And I try to be hopeful, really. But it's like we're stuck in Pandora's Box, and it's completely dark, and Hope's light went out.

I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be challenged. I want to grow up. I want to shut the fuck up and stop talking about things and start experiencing. I'm seventeen years old, and I have done nothing I'm proud of and nothing I regret. I wish I wasn't so disappointed in myself. I want to age, I want to change, I want to be who I want to be. I want to stop being told how to be.

How can I be a psychologist? I don't want to tell people that, "It's not okay to jack off to anime, because that's weird and they're just drawings." OR, "It's not okay to like boys, don't do that, society doesn't like it." or, "you shouldn't stand up for yourself, because your teacher will stop liking you and stop giving you good grades and you won't graduate, and you'll die, 'POOR AND LONELY'" We're so fucked because we live in a constant contradiction. We need to be stronger, we need to have courage, we need to stand up for ourselves and say, "I THINK THIS. AND I RESPECT THAT YOU THINK THAT. LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE AND STAND TOGETHER INSTEAD OF ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THIS LINE IN THE SAND THAT WE'VE PAINTED OVER AND OVER, AND PUT ROCKS ON TO MAKE IT CONCRETE, BUT THE SAND KEEPS SHIFTING AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE NEED TO KEEP CHANGING THE LINE, BUT WE'RE STILL FAR APART AND IT'S BETTER THAT WE NEVER COME TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH THE LINE MIGHT BE COMPLETELY GONE NOW."

Fuck it all, honestly.


1 Comments:

Blogger Hatem said...

I love your post, and anyone who can pour out these feelings onto paper is awesome. Keep up the hope May!

March 15, 2009 at 8:32 AM  

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