The Online Dump
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
The Glass Menagerie
In my English class we studied, "The Glass Menagerie". I absolutely adored this play, not because of the overbearing mother who won't get off her son's back, (clearly, because that's something I can relate to), but because the main character, (TOM) reminds me so much of how trapped I feel right now, it's uncanny.
Right, so this guy, Tom, his father bailed on him, his mother and his sister when they were younger. Now he's the only money-maker in the house, but he's pretty young and he has the fucking DESIRE in his bones to get the fuck out of that stupid house and go experience the world he's living in. Of course, he can't because he needs to take care of his mother and sister. He loves his sister, but all his mother does is harp at him all day long.
At night, he goes out to the movies, gets drunk (at least sometimes), and sleeps for a bit before waking up to work a shitty job at a factory. He hates his job, he hates his life pretty much. And his mother does not make it bearable.
In the end, he leaves. Just doesn't pay the electrical bill, and leaves his mom and his sister in the dark.
I really liked the play. I loved Tom, not just because his mother was a really whiny bitch and they kept fighting over stupid stupid things. But also because the guy just wanted to get out. And instead he's stuck somewhere he hates, doing things he hates, and he's completely deprived of everything he wants to see and everywhere he wants to go.
BUT! the whole point of this entry, is that I wanted to comment on this one comment Tom makes in the play, where he starts talking about his new found hatred for movies. Maybe not hatred, BUT YOU GET MY GIST.
He says something like, "I'm tired of the movies. Look at them! All of those glamorous people - having adventures -hogging it all, gobbling the whole thing up! You know what happens? People go to the movies instead of moving! Hollywood characters are supposed to have all the adventures for everybody in America, while everyone in America sits in a dark room and watches them have them! Yes, until there's a war. That's when adventure becomes available to the masses! Everyone's dish, not only Gable's! Then the people in the dark room come out of the dark room to have some adventure themselves - Goody, goody!- It's our turn now, to go to the South Sea Islands - to make a safari - to be exotic, far-off! - But I'm not patient. I don't want to wait till then. I'm tired of the movies and I am about to move!"
I realized I really agree with that. I mean I've completely placated myself with the sheer abundance of media I ingest daily, and I feel like it's a problem. I decided! I was going to stop watching movies and see where that got me, but that would just become more of a hassle than it was worth. So I talked to LOLIPOPER, who said SOMETHING really wise, I think, and she said! "It's only escapism if you treat it as an escape." Which makes a ton of sense. I mean, you spend half your time surrounded by media. But we're not constantly trying to escape. Not in the, "I need to get out of my life." Sense anyway.
But I guess it's hard to differentiate between what is escape and what is enjoyment. And I think all the media I've pumped myself with has just corroded any sense of moving! I have and maybe even, on another level, has suffocated my creativity. I mean, I'm watching someone else's work, so why should I have to write my own?
AND SO! I am working on less escapism, more escape. <3!>
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Chuck Palahniuk is King
"This was Peter’s theory of self-expression. The paradox of being a professional artist. How we spend our lives trying to express ourselves well, but we have nothing to tell. We want creativity to be a system of cause and effect. Results. Marketable product. We want dedication and discipline to equal recognition and reward. We get on our art school treadmill, our graduate program for a master’s in fine arts ,and practice, practice, practice. With all our excellent skills, we have nothing special to document. According to Peter, nothing pisses us off more than when some strung-out drug addict, a lazy bum, or a slobbering pervert creates a masterpiece. As if by accident. Some idiot who’s not afraid to say what they really love." -- Chuck Palahniuk (Diary)
Monday, February 23, 2009
"I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
Truer words were never spoken.
Monday, February 9, 2009
"Die Young and Save Yourself."
I'm trying to study for exams, but I'm so frustrated with the universe that I really, really can't seem to. I don't want to rant to someone because I talk about myself enough, and everyone's busy. Besides, that's why you create a blog write? To let out the occasional frustration.
So, I'm reviewing for my IT exam, and I'm reading about how North America and all those rich countries can afford to have computers, and internet, and how it's all a necessity now and how you can't do anything without having technology impede on your existence. Africa is fucked, because they don't even have clean water and we want to give them internet. Like it's a HOLY GIFT or some shit, and they're barely alive.
And then I get into an argument with a family member over homosexuality. I feel very passionately about homosexuality. I feel like it is a very natural human phenomena. I don't like it when people say that, "IN -INSERT HOLY BOOK HERE- IT SAYS GAYS ARE BAD. SO GAYS ARE BAD." Or, as this family members said, "YOU'LL BURN IN HELL FOR SUPPORTING GAYS. YOU ATHEIST."
Not to mention, this whole discussion started because this show was for 'women' and my male family member was watching it. Hence, he was gay.
It pissed me off incredibly. Society is not always right. In fact, society is hardly ever right. Society is the reason why we have so many fucked up people. Society is the reason why blacks were persecuted for however many years in America, why men and women have to think and act a certain way or else their strange, or, HEAVEN FORBID, gay.
Reading my IT book always bothers me because it's all about how we're being slowly slowly, (or rapidly, depending on how you look at it) being turned into robots. Literally. If the state doesn't agree with our personal beliefs, you can just get fucked.
I'm also pretty pissy with religion. I used to love my religion. I saw it as something beautiful because my mother would always tell me about how God is merciful, and how God loves all his children, and how we should take care of each other because we're all children of God, and how God will make sure everything is okay. I'm content with God, because I grew up with these beliefs. But being older, (and I'll admit, as a result of the Internet) I'm bombarded with all of these rules. "If you do this, you can't do that. If you do this, you can't go to Heaven. Hell is this, Heaven is that."
Between society and religion I don't know what to believe. I want to stand up for myself, and, as we all do, I want appreciation from my peers. I want to give respect and I want to earn respect. I want your trust, I want your companionship. I want everyone to just calm the fuck down and relax. Lay back, take a deep breath, meditate. Whatever is winding you up, isn't worth it. I want to be friends with everyone. But I can't. Religion is telling me that if I don't believe in something, I'm going to Hell. Society is telling me if I don't agree with it, I'm going to be alone. And if the state doesn't agree then I'm going to jail. I'm trying really hard to accept everyone, stand up for my beliefs, and make peace with the fact that our ignorance as society can go get fucked.
It's hard to be HOPEFUL when you're always being told you're wrong. If anyone read this, you'd also say I was WRONG. That God exists! Or better yet, that I AM an Atheist, because I don't know what to accept. Counter-culture (rapidly becoming the culture) is to disagree with everything, because no matter what you are always right. Society is telling you that this is cool at the moment and you should follow it because we said so. Religion is telling me I'll rot for thinking that belief in God, praying, and being a generally good person is what I need to go to Heaven.
So here I am, sitting up in my room, completely alone, and I'm suffocating because I don't think I'm thin enough to fit in with society, I don't agree with everything people say God is, and God's word is and so I'm not religious enough to go to Heaven. I don't always know what to say, so people are probably laughing at me. I'm not smart enough to be academic enough. I feel like there are thousands and thousands of voices on different sides all screaming something different, and I don't have a voice to drown any of it out.
I'm trying hard, I really am. Religion is trivial now. It's all what people interpret it to be. I want to interpret it on my own. I think that both Atheism and suicide are a loss of hope. I think that we can genuinely be a better society. We can stop limiting ourselves from what we really want out of life. If you died tomorrow, would you really be happy? Are you really happy now? Or are we just compensating, compensating, compensating, just trying to live a little, in the midst of all the payment we're paying (for what?). All that living in between paying our karmic debt is lost because that living is going to get us in trouble with someone who doesn't approve.
Maybe I'm pontificating. But I want to think what I want to think. This is my blog, you wouldn't be here if you didn't want to read what I had to say. And I want to say it. This is more for me then it is for you. There are times in the day all I want to do is shut the door, pull the blankets over my head and stay there.
I tried to picture my version of Hell. What could someone come up with for me that would be perfect? Stephen King wrote a short story about his idea of Hell. That it was a day repeated over and over and over, or our worst nightmare repeated over and over and over. Or that we burn, that we get metal poured into our bodies, or that we just die and that's it.
I was brokenhearted to realize that my idea of Hell, the first thing I thought of, was not having my stuff. Because I'm comfortable, I'm content. Granted, I moved to a place where I thought I would be completely uncomfortable, a place that presented a challenge, academically, socially -- that was a complete culture-shock in every way, and it turns out that I am comfortable. Instead of being proud of overcoming this challenge, I'm upset. Because now everything is soft, and there are no sharp edges, there is nothing to make me want to live. I'm alive, but I'm not living. I don't want to live tomorrow, I want to live today. But I'm limited by parents, by society, by school, by everything. I'll be oppressed by all of you someday. By society. By work. There's no time to really live, and there's no time to pull the blankets over my head and hide. And that's so sad because it's giving up hope in everything. And I try to be hopeful, really. But it's like we're stuck in Pandora's Box, and it's completely dark, and Hope's light went out.
I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be challenged. I want to grow up. I want to shut the fuck up and stop talking about things and start experiencing. I'm seventeen years old, and I have done nothing I'm proud of and nothing I regret. I wish I wasn't so disappointed in myself. I want to age, I want to change, I want to be who I want to be. I want to stop being told how to be.
How can I be a psychologist? I don't want to tell people that, "It's not okay to jack off to anime, because that's weird and they're just drawings." OR, "It's not okay to like boys, don't do that, society doesn't like it." or, "you shouldn't stand up for yourself, because your teacher will stop liking you and stop giving you good grades and you won't graduate, and you'll die, 'POOR AND LONELY'" We're so fucked because we live in a constant contradiction. We need to be stronger, we need to have courage, we need to stand up for ourselves and say, "I THINK THIS. AND I RESPECT THAT YOU THINK THAT. LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE AND STAND TOGETHER INSTEAD OF ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THIS LINE IN THE SAND THAT WE'VE PAINTED OVER AND OVER, AND PUT ROCKS ON TO MAKE IT CONCRETE, BUT THE SAND KEEPS SHIFTING AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE NEED TO KEEP CHANGING THE LINE, BUT WE'RE STILL FAR APART AND IT'S BETTER THAT WE NEVER COME TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH THE LINE MIGHT BE COMPLETELY GONE NOW."
Fuck it all, honestly.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
“Tonight on 67.5 FM radio we’ll be bringing you the latest from the streets of L.A! The world’s celebrity capital!”
“Not too many celebrities here though, are there Q.G”
“None at all. Unless you count Brad Pitt!”
“Brad Pitt! The man is a living legend.”
“If living is what you’d call him doing!”
“Ahaha, well, he’s among the many. Not much celebrity status among the living dead is there?”
“I guess not. Unless you’re Britney Spears, her fans were brainless before being brainless was cool.”
“Spoken like a true Anti-hipster.”
“You know you love it.”
“THAT I DO. I think it’s time for the news. On the southbound, make sure to be aware of the rotting pile of dead non-zombie flesh. That’s right folks, for all you out there, (still alive) and not devoured! Make sure to get a taste of this, before the zombies do. Unless you like the taste of zombie meat, in that case, you’re pretty safe for winter!”
“But it doesn’t snow in L.A GQ!”
“It does now! Reports from those scientists holed up in Canada somewhere say that they are as warm as a penguin in Mexico! All the snow is heading over to our direction, what do you have to say to that Chuck?”
“I say! Get your jackets on you boys and girls, it’s going to be a tough one!”
“This is Urban Terror news signing off.”
“…Shit, Jack, are they attacking the station?”
“No, they could be survivors, go check.”
“Fuck you! You should go check.”
“I’m not going to go check – did they just break the window?”
“I told you to board that up yesterday!”
“SURVIVORS? THESE ARE NOT SURVIVORS.”
“Jack! Jack! Shit! Jack!”
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I felt the need to post this. Just because I think it aptly describes my view of freedom and the future that will take this from us. The guy who said this was considered a 'rebel' and the movie centers around a plot to have him assassinated.
The movie is DEMOLITION MAN. You should definitely watch it.
Edgar Friendly: You see, according to Cocteau's plan I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-o all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener".